Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Desire
"All my life I have been haunted by the obsession that to desire a thing or to love a thing intensely is to place yourself in a vulnerable position, to be a possible, if not probable loser of what you most want."
-Tennessee Williams, American Playwright
How true. Sometimes I find myself so happy being with you that the thought of you leaving me is just painfully scary. But I guess like what Williams said, putting myself in a most vulnerable position is probably an expression of my utmost desire for you, for your presence in my life.
The Promotional Examinations are insane really. But it was through this Examination that I found true strength in myself, fuelled by you. Everything I did, it was all for you. To be able to set an example for you before I could speak words of persuasion was my ultimate aim - To persuade you to pull through this really tough period. Although it is also undeniable that we are in this state because of our delay in starting for revision, sometimes I just can't help but blame myself for not exercising proper discipline to motivate us to start earlier. That way, we wouldn't find ourselves amidst such intense physical and mental strain that we are at the brink of breaking down.
It's not the shame, never was. It was the fear of losing you, locally, or internationally. I shudder at the thought of the latter. But I think at the end of the day, good things come and go. Sad, but true. I think it's really selfish of me to think that way. When you truly love somebody, you'll set the person free. Right? But sometimes, it's just so hard, so damn hard. Memories, they will live. For memories reside not in the mind, but in the heart.
"And no, we're never going to leave either behind. You might have given up on yourself, but I will never give up on you. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow. Not ever."
-Ivan Tan, Singaporean Bred Goose in <3 with the BLP
posted@10:11 PM
Saturday, September 24, 2005
These Days
I'm trying my best to get you through this.My eyes can barely open now, but I guess it's time to give some recollections of whats occuring around me. My days are marked by "mugging sessions" with the BLP. We would head to my area after school and find ourselves in the Library, Starbucks, MacDonald's and what not. I think my greatest wish now is for her to get through Promos, period.
That reminds me of the shooting star she spotted just now. I missed it, but moments before I did thought I saw something fly by. Seriously. Today I had my GP paper, and I'm particularly pissed because for the first time in many, I went slightly out of point for my Essay. Fuck it man. But it was the baby's megawatt smile that just blew all of my troubles away. That reminds me:
Don't let me go baby, I'm scared.
You&I - This intertwine of hearts. Mine might beat faster than when I'm close to you. But I know for sure, we beat together.
You're still the one <3
posted@12:05 AM
Saturday, September 17, 2005
I'm such a liar.
Today I lied. But the lie made baby happy. So why not right? Well the lie's called surprise. *grins*In your arms, I found a strength inside me
& in your eyes, there's a light to guide me
I would be lost without you
& all that my heart could ever want has come true
So you could give me wings to fly, &catch me if I fall
Or pull the stars down from the sky, so I could wish on them all
But I wouldn't ask for more
Cos your love is the GREATEST GIFT OF ALL
I love you to bits too! (:
posted@9:08 PM
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Institutionalized Religion
Went to Bryan's Church on Sunday to witness his Baptism. The way he invited me, I just had to go."I would be really honoured if you could come and witness my baptism"
I mean like, HOW NOT TO GO RIGHT?!
Some pictures:
Paul > Bryan > Me > Brandon > David
But at the end of the day, the conclusion is still the same. Instituitionalized religion is just not my cup of tea. Sorry. I think I'd keep my comments about it to myself. One cause I think I've spoken enough on this, and two, I really do respect all religions. Don't wanna seem like some anti-Christ son of a gun of some shit like that.
-----------------------------------
I'll then dismiss Promos in 3 words: Two more weeks.
Okay done. Don't wanna be some cliche crap going on and on about how Promos are drawing near and I'm so scared. I actually kept my nerve till recently when I began to think deeply into the issue and began to start getting panicky. But I'm still hanging on. Plus I hope the baby will get her drive like as soon as possible, like right NOW. Don't wish for either of us to be alone in the damn school.
But really, I'm a big cam-whore. I love taking pictures, and posting them. And do it I shall.
Time spent with the BLP is really really really great. Everything feels so right. It's just this whole little world thing I find myself in when I'm with her. Just totally lost in it, totally. I lubx j00!
The morning calls, the hugs, the tom-meets-hairy, the beach walks, the movies, the screening room, the esplanade, the taste of your lips, the oookays, the little-girl-you, the feel of your hands, the petty little fights, the cozy snuggling, the warming of your little fingers, the smell of my jacket, the perfume of yours, the blonde hair, the silent kisses through the air, the accidental falling onto your arms while walking out of the bus, the arms around you, the reminders for meals, the chocolates, the massages, the grabbing of my arms, the tugging of my shirt, the little chill out spots we find everywhere, the not-so-productive mugging sessions, the little world we share, the late night calls, the fairytale.
And YOU, my darling BLP. You're my everything, and it's amazing how my world revolves around you, the one we find ourselves in all the time.
I love you so much baby, my sweet little pwincess piggy. *Hugs*
posted@8:07 PM
Friday, September 09, 2005
Life's more than just a rollercoaster
The past few days have left me in an emotional whirl. I went through all the disappointments, shocks, sadness and whatnot, but came out the happiest guy in the whole wide world. Really am =)The date I'll always remember: 7th September '05
The Esplanade's great, and the entire place is just so geared towards the 'arty-farty' side of Singapore. All the shops, design, architecture are so unique and different. I mean just walk around the area, and you'd be like immersed into a whole new dimension of Singapore. The class-ier, not-so-cliche side of this island. Oh geez, I'm sounding like some Tourism Board Officer, but whatever. *Does the talk-to-my-manicure gesture*.
And how can we forget the fabulous Library@Esplanade?! I've got a great deal of memories sewn on there, really. I'd just leave it to be, shan't go on about the details.
On a final note, I'm still in amidst my plans to become a real bimbo. And I think I'm doing good at it. Seriously. Now off to practice singing 'Kiss The Girl' before school reopens. I'm sure the 'Little Mermaid' Hit would be snatching the top spot in the CJ Billboard in no time.
<3 @ BLP.
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EDIT@10.05PM:
Went to get the NIKE Bag for baby, and then headed to her place. To mug. Here's proof:
posted@11:35 AM
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Journeys
I went to Toa Payoh twice today. It's funny how the 2nd time I went back there, the journey took so damn long. And when I was going back for the 2nd time, the journey was so damn fast. Oh well, reason is simple. I was merely anxious. The thought of seeing you's just... Great. Just great.On a lighter note, 2 days ago I was looking for the lyrics for the song, Total Eclipse of The Heart and look what I found:
Kindly click on the image for an enlarged version.
posted@10:23 PM
Monday, September 05, 2005
Just let me be myself.
With Bonnie Tyler blasting as I lock myself in my room, my comfort zone.Once upon a time I was falling in love...
I think that when things are of this stage, I've learnt how to step back rather than savour every moment of it. As much as I would like to, I can only cherish, not savour. I cannot enjoy, I can only cherish. Cherish all that's left of us.
I ask myself why I find it so hard to smile and feel genuinely happy with you now, and I think I've found the answer. I knew it all along, but yet I was oblivious to it. Right now, I know. I know because took a step back and saw things in a different perspective. Things have changed, and so must I.
I feel so sad because everytime I embrace you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I touch your hands, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I kiss you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I tease you and argue, and finally find you in my arms, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I feel so sad because everytime I come so close to you, you pull me close to you, I ask myself if it's going to be the last.
I'm sad, and I know I am, and I know why. Because the truth is, the last is just pretty much nearing. I know that each and everytime, it is effectively the last. So I cherish, I don't enjoy, I don't savour.
It's awfully painful typing this post, I scorn the feeling. But I cannot help it and I will get to the end of it.
Just when I thought everything was right, everything just came crashing down on me like a giant death ocean wave greeting at my doorstep. My heart just sank, sank so fast, I couldn't breathe.
Turn around bright eyes, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and I see the look in your eyes. Turn around bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart. I fall apart. And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ever. And if you'll only hold me tight. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know I'm always in the dark. I really need you tonight. Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark.
I feel so inadequate when you hug me. I don't feel like I'm the one. I only feel reliance, not acceptance. I know it, because I feel it so strong. Today, I know that whether or not I like it, I will have to move on. S2 once said: Fuck it, my life's not a holiday. How true. I just need to find that strength someday, because I don't want to go away at all. But an exit from this entire carousel is inevitable, and if I don't get out naturally, I will have to get out eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday, I will be out of this. I know, because I feel it. And I promise you really, that I'll get out as soon as possible. So you might feel better. But for now, I just want to be me.
It feels so weird now. So many times today I found myself biting my tongue just to stop myself from saying: "Hey Baby". Right at this moment, and all the times ahead, I know that all I want is for you to be genuinely happy. I don't need your smiles, I just want you to be happy. I've never really asked for much, besides some "doses" and hugs. But this time, I ask for your happiness, so you will be happy. With or without me. And right at this moment, and all the times ahead, I know that the end is drawing near. The last is coming. And so has my heart.
The Total Eclipse Of The Heart.
Now I'm only falling apart.
posted@6:40 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2005
It always ends up this way.
My life's nothing but a wreck, some complicated bullshit which probably takes days to explain to others. I hate it when I'm the guy to indulge in all that joy and laughter, and being excluded from the woes. I hate it.< bitchfit+sarcasm >
Oh oh oh, so what if so and so likes me, and this and that and that and this and whatever the fuck? Does it matter? If you think I enjoy the faggort attention, go fuck the wall. And if that's not enough, go fuck yourself. Get a dildo and stick the shit up your candy ass. If you think it's fun being me, oh well, you're more than welcomed into this bloody damned life I lead.
< /bitchfit+sarcasm >
Yeah so what if I'm in pain? I am what you make me out to be. My heart breaks when yours aches. It bleeds when you weep. And when I feel your agony, you crying out for the glimpse of hope, my heart just shatters. It feels like it's cracking a little by little, fragments dropping down the fucking dark pit. It hurts, but it's like anybody gives more than half a damn. Like anybody understands.
You don't owe me anything, and everything I've given you have no strings attached. They're unconditional and absolutely voluntary. Neither do you have to make it up to me. I don't need anything more. Anything forced is anything artificial. Anything artificial never lasts. I'd rather you be mean, than love and lie. I'd rather hear the truth, and have to say goodbye. But baby, don't break my heart slow. Don't.
"I've never liked to fight for attention. You either give it to me, or I walk away."
Neither do I.
And I'll walk away. I promise.
Don't want to be the last to knowDon't want to be the one to chase you
But at the same time your the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye.
SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME IT'S OVER. TELL ME IT'S OVER. TELL ME IT'S OVER... Tell me it's over... Tell me...
I guess that at the end of the day, I still have to find the strength to accept somebody else. But then again, I think I'm sick of this sick cycle carousel, this brand new carousel. It never exits from my life.
And till it does, I will be alone.
As painful as it is, I still love you all the same. Goodbye.
posted@9:08 PM
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.
I can't live without youCan't breathe without you
I dream about you honestly
Tell me that its over
Because the world is spinning and I'm still living
It wont be right if were not in it together
Tell me that it's over
I'm sorry man, I just love this song.
posted@12:27 AM
